'Little Old Lady' jokes..

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. 'Don't worry about that,' says St Peter, 'it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulderblades for wings.' The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,'says the old lady, 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry,' says St Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.' 'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.' 'You can't go there,'says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sodomized.' 'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes drilled for that.

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Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their little house and says to his old lady, 'Notice anything different, Bessie?'
Bessie looks him over, 'Nope.'
Sam says excitedly, 'Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?'
Bessie looks again, 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything DIFFERENT?'
Bessie looks up and says, 'Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Sam Yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
To which Bessie replies, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.. Shoulda bought a hat.'

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A little old ady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, 'Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?' Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?' Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, 'Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price.'

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One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than is grandmother does.
Old Lady : 'Young m-m-m-man?' she stammered to the clerk, 'Do you sell v-vibrators here?'
Clerk : 'Yes ma'am, we do,' he replied, a little embarrassed.
Old Lady : 'B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?' asked the old lady.
Clerk : 'Yes ma'am, we have some like that.'
Old Lady : 'The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?'

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Clerk : 'Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want,' said the young clerk.
Old Lady : 'The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?'
Clerk : 'Yes ma'am we carry some like that.'
Old Lady : 'Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?'

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they didn't smell and are silent.' The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'
The next week the lady goes back to the doctor. 'Doctor,' she says 'I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly'.
'Good' the doctor said, 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

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One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, 'I'll take him and him and him!'

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There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. she said 'I know, isn't that the speed limit? The officer said, 'No, this is interstate 22'. the police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. he asks her if they need help and she explains, 'No, we just left interstate 119.'

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A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims 'I want to join your biker club.' The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her 'You have a bike?' The little old lady says 'Yea, that's my Harley over there' and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her 'Do you smoke?' The little old lady says 'Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool.' The biker is impressed and asks 'Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?' The little old lady says 'No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.'

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Defence Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, 'take me, young man, Take me!'
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot the S.O.B.!

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, 'It's a lot of money!'
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After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, '165,000!'and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, 'Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?'
The old lady replied, 'I make bets.'
Chris bingo. The president then asked, 'Bets? What kind of bets?'

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The old woman said, 'Well, for example, I'll bet you 25,000 that your balls are square.'
'Ha!' laughed the president, 'That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!'
The old lady challenged, 'So, would you like to take my bet?'
'Sure,' said the president, 'I'll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square!'
The little old lady then said, 'Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?'
'Sure!' replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: '25,000 says the president's balls are square!'
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
'Well, Okay,' said the president, '25, 000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.'
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, 'What the hell's is the matter with your lawyer?'
She replied, 'Nothing, except I bet him 100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.'
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